BanThis! http://www.banthis.com latest updates on banthis.com en 1 BanThis! http://www.banthis.com http://www.banthis.com//images/logo.gif Asian Lady http://www.banthis.com/jokes/2816/
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too.']]>
Human Body http://www.banthis.com/jokes/2728/



 It  takes your food seven seconds to get from your  mouth to your  stomach.

 One human  hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

 The  average man's penis is three times the length of  his thumb.

 A woman's heart beats  faster than a man's.

 There are about  one trillion bacteria on each of your  feet.

 Your body uses 300  muscles to balance itself when you are standing  still.

 Women reading this will be finished now.

 Men are still busy checking their  thumbs.
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Lie Detector http://www.banthis.com/jokes/2722/ gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie
detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy..

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape
called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After
all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked
her out of her chair. ]]>
Martian Love http://www.banthis.com/jokes/2701/

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flyer miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they
have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do
it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a
bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member
about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"W ell," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about
you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." ]]>
Golf Joke http://www.banthis.com/jokes/2666/  

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past Four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "Just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"


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Family Diner http://www.banthis.com/jokes/2660/ A guy wanted to buy a motorbike. He  doesn't have much luck until,one 
 
day; he comes  across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. 
 
The  bike seems even better than a new one, although it  is 10 years 
 
old. 
 
  
 
It is shiny and in  absolute mint condition. 
 
He immediately buys it,  and asks the seller how he kept it in  such 
 
great 
 
condition for 10  years. 
 
  
 
'Well, it's quite simple, really,'  says the seller, 
 
'wheneverthe bike 
 
is outside   
 
and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the  chrome. It protects 
 
it from the rain.' And he  hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. 
 
  
 
That night, his  girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet   her 
 
parents. 
 
Naturally, they take the bike  there. But just before they enter the 
 
house,   
 
Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you  something about my 
 
family 
 
before we go in.'  'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact,  the 
 
first person 
 
who says anything during  dinner has to do the dishes.' 
 
  
 
'No problem,'  he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack  in 
 
the middle of the living room is a huge stackC2 of dirty dishes. In the 
 
kitchen 
 
is another  huge stack of dishes. 
 
Piled up on the stairs, in  the corridor, everywhere he looks,  dirty 
 
dishes. 
 
  
 
They sit down to dinner and,  sure enough, no one says a word. 
 
As dinner  progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the  situation. 
 
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No  one says a word. So he reaches 
 
over and fondles  her  breasts. 
 
  
 
Still, nobody says a word. So he  stands up, grabs her, rips her 
 
clothes 
 
off,  throws her on the table, and screws her right there,  in front of 
 
her parents.. 
 
His girlfriend is a  little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,  and 
 
her mom horrified 
 
when he sits back down,  but no one says a word. 
 
  
 
He looks at her mom.  'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So  he 
 
grabs 
 
the mom, bends her over the dinner  table, and has his way with her 
 
every 
 
which  way right there on the dinner table. 
 
  
 
Now his  girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but  still, total 
 
silence. 
 
  
 
All of a sudden  there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts  to 
 
rain. 
 
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls  the jar of Vaseline from  his 
 
pocket. 
 
  
 
Suddenly the father backs away0 from the table and shouts, 'All 
 
right,  that's  enough, I'll do the friggin  dishes!

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Banners http://www.banthis.com/jokes/2491/ Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks. Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

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Economic Lesson http://www.banthis.com/jokes/2371/

ECONOMIC LESSON--A man owned a small contracting business in Salem, Oregon. The Oregon Wage &Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent. 'Well,' replied the owner, 'there's my framer who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The sider has been here for 18 months, and I pay him $550 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the owner. ]]>
Chanukah Stamps http://www.banthis.com/jokes/2342/

A Jewish blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah
cards.  She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?

Give me 15 Orthodox, 15 Conservative and 20 Reform ! ]]>
Too much information http://www.banthis.com/jokes/2246/
   
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.  
 
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'  
 
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.  
'It's not polite.'  
 
'OK', the little girl says, 
 
 
 
'How much do you weigh?'  
 
'Now really,' the mother says, 
 
 
 
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'  
 
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'  
 
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'  
 
The exasperated mother walks away as the=2 
0two friends begin to play.  
 
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.  
 
'Well,' says the friend, 
 
 
 
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. 
 
 
 
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'  
 
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 
 
 
 
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'  
  The mother is surprised and asks, 
 
 
 
'How did you find that out?  
 
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'  
 
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.  
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'  
 
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 
 
 
 
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 
 
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'  
 
 
'Because you got an F

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Bank check http://www.banthis.com/jokes/2134/ Dear sirs:
In view of what seems to be happening to banks internationally at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me:

One of my cheques was returned marked 'insufficient funds'.
Does that refer to me or to you??? Please advise . . . . 

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The Parrot http://www.banthis.com/jokes/2123/ The Parrot....
A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of
the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried
and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean
up'  the bird's vocabulary.
  Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John,  in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend  to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior'.
  John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued.... ........'May I enquire as to what the turkey did?'

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How did I come into this world? http://www.banthis.com/jokes/1200/ A Kid asks: Daddy? How did I come into this world?

The Daddy Answered: Well, my child, some day I ll have to tell you any way, The Kid asked again: So why not today?

The Dad Respond:

           Please, listen carefully: Mom and Dad met each other in an internet cafe. In the bathroom of that cafe, dad connected to mom.

Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we didn't use any firewall.

Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus.

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Little Boy http://www.banthis.com/jokes/1073/ Car Sale Troubles http://www.banthis.com/jokes/594/